Living with Myself
Updated: May 5, 2020
COVID, COVID, COVID...
I hate that it is all we talk about anymore. I miss the days when each day was unique and different. This new way of living has created a unique set of challenges that have changed me as a person.
Anxiety: the body's natural response to stress.
I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember but it didn't metastasize until I left high school. It is triggered by two main sources, CHANGE, and CONTROL. Both of which are emphasized by this pandemic.
The sun shined softy through the window as I got up to start my day, but I wasn't alone. She was there I could feel her presence. Sometimes right beside me other times she seemed farther off. Who was she and why was she here?
Who are you? Why are you here? I’ve felt your presence since everything has changed. Your touch felt gentle at first but your grip grew stronger. You’ve made each day a challenge, leaving me to feel out of control. I lash out in anger trying to strike you but I miss every time. You always seem just out of my reach but I feel you pulling on my strings. I try to ignore you when you whisper warnings to me. I just want to focus on the tasks of the day. I want to be free to go out… why won’t you let me go?
I have seen your soul and the amazing outpouring of art that it contains. I see the danger that this world holds especially now. I’m trying to protect you, I want you to be safe. Don’t you know that if you aren’t cautious something terrible might happen? I want you to grow, I have seen you flourish in a time of struggle. Please trust me, it’s for your own good. If you would just listen you would understand. Please write to me I enjoy our time.
There are days that I don’t hear you and I feel free. The weight of you is lifted from my shoulders and I can finally breathe. I don’t want to stay under your crushing power. I want to cut you out of myself to feel the quite of your absences. You say you’re trying but I don’t think you realize what you are doing. I wish you would just let me go. I can handle challenges that are thrown my way but with you, it’s much harder.
Please let me go
Look at how far you have come since we started this journey. Look at the way that I have inspired your beautiful art. I don’t understand why you think of me in such a horrible way. Just let me in so I can show you what you are truly capable of. I’ve been your constant support and have tried to help in every way I can. I hope you can see that I mean no harm. Please let me stay, if you would listen you would understand. I’m apart of you…
I created this project to show what it has been like living with myself. My anxiety has been heightened by the effects of the virus. Everything in my life has changed and looking forward everything in my life feels out of control. Each day of quarantine I have had to live with my anxiety and each day is different. There are days that her presence is barely in the background. On other days she pins me down and I can't seem to get off the couch. Through this time I have begun to understand the benefits of my anxiety. Even though I hate living with her, she is a part of me. And without her, I wouldn't be the artist, the person I am today.